Sitting on couch contemplating. There is a new Fitness book at my side, which I shall not name because she's in her 30's showing before and after pictures of gals that look fit BEFORE and are worried about their poor little tummy roll at 32. For christs sake! Get real. And the book goes on to list exercises that make my ankle injury, pulled inner hamstring, bad achilles, and knee's ache. You are kidding right? Jump? like up? and land - on the unforgiving to joints ground?" Just the thought actually caused anxiety and an instant turning the page looking for the reason I thought purchasing the book was a good motivational tool.
It occurred to me as I was perusing this book before buying it, thinking don't buy another fitness book and still did, that there are no upbeat fitness books for those of us -- okay maybe just me -- with ego's and bodies that really don't work anymore the way we think they will! I was the one who did the aerobic class then the stairclimber for 40 minutes, weights 4 times a week, Weight Watchers, dropped 55 pounds. I don't need to learn again. I've already been inundated with enough media telling me I'm going to drop dead any minute. I'm almost 50. This isn't my first rodeo.
I had the kids, got the trainer, got fit, slim, learned Pilates, loved exercise, well not all of it, but most, and then one day it went away. And I'm not a sugar munching, fast food, can't stop eating person. Somewhere along the line Life got so chaotic I got tired of maintaining of my own body, and to coin a term, let myself go. period. The serious books about health after 40 make me feel old and the clothes for overweight fitness just make me feel like I'm trying to look like a cute fat when I'm not. Heavy is heavy and there is no making it look pretty -- except maybe from our hearts and that's a good thing.
When we moved moved for whatever reason's (too long and boring for this space in any case) I took up drinking, tobacco, depression, anxiety, hormonal changes, injury, empty nest, doctors, prescriptions that added to the weight, and recently- thank you economy, financial ruin and managed to get heavier than I ever have been in 8 years.
So another "I'm going to lose weight and get fit" blog is born minus the "I'm going to enter a triathlon"- not that I haven't thought of it.
The Stats:
Height: So we begin at 5'6"-and that's a lie, because technically I was never quite a 5'6". I fudged this one for life starting when I was trying to break into acting via modeling, (what was I thinking?) when I was 19. Thus, instead of becoming a star for life, my career of thinking I was overweight and looked like crap even when I was healthy, young and beautiful began. So here I am, a shrinking, 5'5"+ which now puts me into a lower 'best weight average' on one of those charts in diet books that looks like the pantyhose zone.
Weight: I'm guessing what I actually weigh because I tossed the scale in a fit of: it doesn't matter what I weigh it's how I feel and I will eat and exercise accordingly and my size will just go to where it is supposed to, a year ago. This line of thinking keeps me going on the worst of days. I probably also gained another 10 pounds using it. 235-245??? Forget BMI -- 50% fat for sure, I don't need to be pinched. Why is it a trainer wants to embarrass the hell out of you before you start? I mean at my age I know it's bad okay? Don't take my picture; I don't want to see my double chin or my bat wings under my arms, and don't put me on a damn treadmill like a lab rat so I can feel my face flame in 3 minutes when I'll run more to prove that I'm still 42 -- yes I said 42, because ladies, that's the cut off date. If you have been semi-fit till then you can go back to exercising and dieting and lose weight, get super fit, put on the skinny jeans, and saunter in to get your nails done with self-confidence. Stop around then and the metabolism tanks in a hurry.
The whole "your going to die" has been on my mind. So is Nancy Snyderman for that matter. Go figure -- to hear her speak I think I'm going to be diagnosed with some horrible disease any second with my current lifestyle -- she's probably right. Hence the making of a private shame public. Rolling eye's on that one.
This all does seem a bit overwhelming. However, I believe I can get off the meds, quit the smoking, exercise, eat well and feel good about it eventually-- and even meditate at some point. The alcohol is already gone because I'm one of those people that doesn't have an off button when I start, so that is just no longer an option. I've spent a lot of time not getting fit because I didn't want to be one of the fat old ladies in the pool doing water aerobics. Time to eat crow.
I'll put up measurements tomorrow. Maybe. Might have to work up to that. And the before picture? -- if I were a betting man.... odd's are 50-50
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